Comfortably numb

My fellow inmates...

When Shelly West Sang "Jose Cuervo, you are no friend of mine" she had obviously not ever dealt with the rainclouds and gloom that can hang over a group of people when emptiness and uncertainty loom in our daily actions.

Yesterday I received an angry message from someone in regards to the video I posted, and my seeming nonchalant ability to continue forward in the face of someone so important to me passing caused them to be disgusted.

Though In my opinion, I rarely explain myself to anyone, granted those who read this blog know that this is actually a pile of bullshit carefully hidden underneath buttercream frosting...

I am human, it's what we do, and it was what this person was doing when they growled at me for what appeared to him to be me moving on too quickly...

Now in the process of collecting my thoughts to write this post, I went and poured myself a Gin and Tonic made with a particularly scary looking lime that I found growling at me from the back of the fridge...

Eh, I was in the mood, and I was bigger than the lime...

I realized as the ice cubes swirled amongst each other, that anger is natural, confusion is natural, and Alcohol is.... well ok dependant on the type of alcohol, Antifreeze or NyQuil notwithstanding, but yes natural as well...

This issue of James's Death didn't make me an alcoholic, I have had years of practice... :)

Look, here is the thing, If you chastise me for continuing to be myself, then you definitely didn't know shit about who James was behind the curtain of Bodisama, and pretty much less about me and how I function and deal with things.

James would always say "It's hard to be Brittany."

I think back now to his meaning of this... I always assumed just the basic humor of this statement. Images of Brittany Spears, head half shaved, daemons licking at her toes as the limelight shined on her face...

But now I wonder... James was a complex man, many expected the world of him, and forgot he was human with his own fragility. His strive to create "Bodisama" took on a life of its own, and many people knew the fantasy, and expected him to "preform" when they met him... a trained monkey... a top kept by certain members of our communities expectations.

It was amazing to me how many times, when I was around him in public, people from our community would walk up and say "Excuse me, but aren't you Bodisama?". He was always cordial though, like a trained tiger in a petting zoo, he loved the attention the whole while on the lookout for easy prey.

Our understanding of each other formed over the computer... An acquaintance, as James would call it, not a friend. Expectations were of course set before we ever met at IML... It was all on my head, I strived to live up to his, and was very conscious in my attempts to not make him live up to mine.

James, Matt and I spent the whole time together at IML, I actually only stayed in my room the first night, before they ever arrived.

It's quite interesting, to think about it now, They have moved IML back to the Hyatt. This was the same hotel where I first met James and spent every waking moment with him. I wonder my emotional reaction as I walk the skyway, where we sat in the evenings and bullshitted for hours.

They say to every ounce of depreciating humor, there is a shot of truth, if there wasn't it wouldn't be poignant, and it wouldn't be funny. My motto in life at the point, is "Live your life out loud".

In response to this a friend recently posted "umm, yeah, some of us think you need to pipe down."

I spent the last few days with my grandmother, who is 93 years old. She is currently in a hospital bed in my Dad's living room, is on morphine, and is not expected to last through the weekend.

Pauline, or Omi, as we call her... Which is a bastardization of the German "Oma", and roughly translates to "Grammy"... Has live a life that no one should have.

When she was a little girl her and her sister hid under a pile of clothing and blankets in a closet as the Nazi's ransacked her family's home looking for them. They were lucky as they were not located. Her parents however were taken away that day, and she never saw them again.

They scraped up money from where they could, bribed German officials, and later, with her new husband, got out of Germany... Her "Jude" Star to this day is proudly displayed.

And in fact, with her health failing, she told me she has lived every day of her life proud of the fact that she has cost Germany Money, for every month she receives a check from the German government for reparations for the atrocities committed.

Hated and killed for just being who they were...

I consider the Gay's plight in the United States at the moment akin to the civil rights movement of the blacks half a century ago...

An African American co-worker of mine heard me say this and went ape shit. "Its not even close!" He said "The Gays never suffered slavery at the hands of their own country!"

"Really?" I Replied; "Well Ron, I am a jew as well, and you bitch over 100's of years of Slavery, of which you have never tasted an ounce of... Try 1000's of years, and we have yet to find the balls to ask the Egyptians for any reparations!"

He had no answer to that...

So yes, I live my life out loud. I live my life proudly, and I marvel at scaring straight people any chance I can get as I walk down the Streets of Seattle fully geared.

So am I damaging our image like those tweenies that heavyhand the lisp and add some extra twinkle in their step as they walk?

Perhaps...

But just remember that the uprising of the queeny fags in the 1970's against the persecution of the times lead to our blossoming acceptance that is happening now.

I have also heard, in regards to my facebook group, the preference of not throwing sex in to families faces.

I consider my life, and my needs, and my partners life and his needs who I am... who we are. It goes way beyond sex...

Pride is not a fair weather term...

When my partner and I visited my Grandmother on Thursday she was fairly scattered. She was drugged up to keep the pain and anxiety at bay...

Just before we left, as she was nodding off for a nap, her eyes sprung open, and in a moment of obvious clarity she focused right on my partner, smiled, waved and said "Hi Jay!"

Those will probably be the last words I here her speak...

If a 93 year old woman, who has been to hell and back, can accept and embrace, with full knowledge in her mind of who I am inside (yes I told her as well), and yet my happiness is paramount even on her deathbed...

Then really, Fuck anyone else that can't take it...

With that, visiting time is over.

Whatever you do, don't scream too loud as others are trying to sleep.

~Rubberasylum

They Say 21 is Gonna be a good Year...

My Fellow Inmates...

(The Following snippet is from 4/24)

At the moment I sit here and wait for Nikolai to arrive. A 21 year old newbie rubber boy/furry, and though his furry side intrigues me... Its the rubberboy I look forward to attackin... uh, meeting :)

I find that this is always a good way to start a weekend. Except for the fact that I told him to be here at 11:00am, and Jay doesn't get home from work til 5-6pm... and wants to meet him...

Hopefully the boy doesn't have any plans, and we can keep him incarcerated all day... But hey, he is 21, they can cum 7-10 times right? Oh, to be that age again :)

**********************************************************************

So he showed up while I was blogging, surprisingly enough he was a hard cum, who would have thought. At that age you even looked at my dick with me bound in rubber I would have made a ungodly mess.

That was very much my expectation.

Do not get me wrong, we had a very good time as I discovered that anything that moved fast on his cock made him very sensitive, though the menthol I put on his dick before adding the Venus may not have helped any (EVIL GRIN)

This was an exploratory scene with a new boy, looking for limits of which I didn't scratch on this one...

I really look forward to his return.

As for more Current news, I Just Learned I shall be at IML This year. I am looking forward to it. I should be fairly easy to spot though, just look for the boy in tow in the Aquala suit :)





With That Visiting Time is over.

Take Care, and Whatever you do don't scream too loud, as others are trying to sleep.

~Rubberasylum

A Breath Of Fresh Air...

My Fellow inmates,

Today, I did something that in my mind is unprecidented... I threw the door all the way open, and posted the link to this blog in my facebook page for all my high school classmates and co-workers to see.

To tell you the truth it is actually a bit refreshing...

So I welcome those new readers who have wandered over and know absolutly nothing about who I truly am. I word of caution though... As much as you may find intrest in what I have to say, as a glimpse in to a world foreign to you, you may wish to avoid the videos that are posted from time to time unless you wish to view gay fetish bondage play.

At 18 years old I told my mother I was gay, she told my father. His response to her was that he could beat the fuck out of her for doing this to me. So I got angry, these close minded pricks needed to know me or get the fuck out of my life...

So I ambushed them, every one of them...

My brother, Jonas, was a homophobe. I had the most fun with him. I waited until he was at work one day, where he was a manager at a bowling alley (one of his first jobs), and I came in pulled him aside and told him I was a gay man who liked to be tied up in rubber and tortured... by the way... have a nice day... and I walked out, leaving him there with his jaw on the ground with a shift still left to work.

My Dad cornered me one night, when he found out I was smoking, granted I was 18 and could do what I wanted, but he was very controlling, and was determined to take charge...

"Dan, do you smoke cigarettes?" he asked me

"Yes, I do" I replied.

"Do you smoke Pot?" He asked

"Yes, I do." I said again, "And I have done bondage porn films, any more questions?"

I never thought that I could ever leave my father at a loss for words. Even though that battle was won, the war is still being fought :)

Incidently, The picture above is from some of the porn work I did with Ropedweb many many years ago... I have a whole file of it, I shall share it as we go on.

As I have explained to my readers before, life is too fucking short. High School was the biggest travesty for me, being a gay kid who couldnt figure himself out from a bumfuck town that didnt accept differences.

So I am done. This is me. I hope you are offended, I hope you concider me a fucking queer that will burn in hell for eternity. I hope you click away in disgust. You know why? because it just shows me how right I was so many years ago in my innitial knee jerk summation of the intellegince levels of the people of South Whidbey...

By the way, I have recreated Jesus on the cross except he was wearing a latex catsuit, and hooded in a gasmask. He was on limited air as his cock and balls were being electrocuted... Hallelujah!

God I am an asshole...

With that, Visiting time is over.

Whatever you do, don't scream to loud as others are trying to sleep.

~Rubberasylum