Sunday, February 8, 2009

Weapons of Ass Destruction...

My Fellow inmates,

Ok, so my titles to these blogs sometimes read like bad porn film names... But when this shit comes to me I wish to share, its just the way this depraved brain works.

If you are truly concerned cover me in layers of rubber, apply locking four point restraints, and strap me tight to a gurney. If I bitch there is this great bit gag I love applying over the rubber puffy hood with the open mouth. The pressure of the gag biting in and the hood trying to push it back out...

Well lets just say people tend to want it out after a bit, as it begins to get real sore, and that's when lessons upon what comes out of the boy's trap begin to be learned.

God I love being an asshole.

Speaking of, the plan for writing yesterday went by the wayside. My Roomie and I ended up playing, but first we went gear hunting out at the thrift stores and the Army navy surplus stores.

I must say that I truly hate eBay for the fact that it has killed the local gear market. Anyone that was out hunting for gear before eBay started up in the late 90's knows exactly what I am talking about. You could find anything, and I do mean anything in those old stores.

I remember on trip to a swap meet in South Tacoma years ago. I was going isle by isle looking at all the scattered junk that people had brought out to sell. I had already amassed an armful of different pieces of gear, from helmets to gasmasks to sailing gear, But it was this one guy's dive gear collection that caught my eye.

Mostly what hung there on the racks were ancient Harvey's and Aqualung 2 piece gear that was so ragged that no diver in their right mind would use it, and the sun faded pinks and baby blues were so fetching that it was a damn shame that I had already done my playroom motif in all black. I mean think of the pictures!

As I leafed through this rack of crap gear, a glimmer of black latex caught my eye. Now some of you will not believe this, but buried within this pile was a latex shirt from Skin Two. Size Men's large. I bought it from him for 10 dollars, as he thought it was dive gear, and frankly who was I to argue...

I miss those days, damn you eBay....

Back to my tangent about yesterday though. My roommate and I went in to this one Army Navy Surplus at the edge of Fort Lewis & McCord Air force base. Let me tell you, the economy has caused the Surplus stores to blossom.

The gear was overflowing most likely from soldiers trying to get any cash they can for their stuff when they find themselves in a pinch. They can bring it directly to us, we will give them better money than surplus stores will, and probably be willing pinch them too ("Damn you look good in your BDU's... why don't you come upstairs, there is a table I would like to show you")

So we found a few pieces of gear that were in great shape that we really wanted, but the prices were outrageous, so we decided to pass. As we were heading out the door the proprietor chimes up with "Did you see anything?"

"No, we shall just pass today, thank you" We replied.

"Do you believe in Jesus?" She shot out...

Now I will tell you what, I clamed right up, as I knew that I would probably ruin this woman's day if I came out with what was on my mind, and besides I was a bit taken a back at the gall that it took to ask random people that question.

My roommate stepped up to the plate to field the inquiry though "I was raised Catholic." He replied, "So I kind of have to."

We chuckled at the response and started making our way to the door just as she decided to turn her attention to me. "How about you?" She asked.

"I was raised Jewish." I replied frankly beginning to get a bit perturbed.

"Well Jesus was a Jew as well, you know that right? He is our savior..." She continued on.

I was bursting at the seams, and pushed my way out of the store. Any hope at all for a purchase from me now or ever was shot to hell by this attitude from this person be she the owner or just an employee, and if just an employee I so hope the management is not aware of her berating the customers this way...

None the less, after long and hard thought my roommate, WetsuitJay, and I came up with proper responses that we wanted to say, but were way too kind to actually reply as such... Nothing is stopping me from sharing them with you here..

So if I accept Jesus do I get a discount?
I am sorry, if the enlightened people are all like you, I would prefer to burn in hell thank you.
Does Jesus know you are charging these kinds of prices?
Jesus Christ Look at this price tag!
That's ok, I will just wait for the rapture and then return for some free shit.
I would love to accept Jesus, but I will have to wait for midnight to ask my master if it's ok.
What would Jesus think if he knew I wanted to drop a load in this flight suit?
Oh, we are Faggots... Jesus likes Faggots right?
Yes, I saw Jesus strapped up up on that cross over there on your wall. He looks great, but this is an Army Navy Surplus, I mean you have gas masks, hoses, and filters right?... and I mean, why cover his cock?
(Peaking up under the cloth covering him on the cross) "Huh, you're right, he is a Jew"
Ah well... Not everyone is fortunate enough to have seen the light like us. I say the Christians send us all their 18 year old boys... Let us deprogram them and give them experiences they will never forget, then let them decide for themselves

With that visiting time is over and the guards grow antsy...

Take care, and what ever you do don't scream too loud, others are trying to sleep