Friday, April 2, 2010

A Eulogy for Bodisama

James was an amazing man,

I was lucky enough to count him as one of my friends, someone that you could count on to tell you how it was even if the truth carried barbed spikes. It was refreshing to know a soul that I could connect with so well that was honest to a fault.

This often caused him differences with people, as we in life tend to be so fake, avoid the truth and what rests inside us at all costs.

The sad part is that James was usually right on what he had to say, he just would tell us things that we didn’t want to hear, didn’t want to face, and didn’t want to attest to. He would happily point these out to us.

He lived his life with the attitude that life is too fucking short, just deal with it and move the fuck on.

Jay and I were lucky enough to host a party 4 weeks ago that James attended. Curling up with him in bed those four nights was so heartwarming to me as one of the main reasons he attended that weekend is that him and I had some differences of our own to work out, which we did.

And I am so grateful for that.

This is a loss that hits our whole community. James was tops at his game. In play he could draw out parts of us that we didn’t even know we were capable of, and in business he was re-writing the whole rubber scene.

He often would sit and giggle to himself; of which I called his "self satisfied laugh", he liked that, said that no one had pegged it so well before. He was insanely bright, and his mind moved a mile a minute.

James is one of the reasons I write. While talking with him one day, he asked to see the first chapter of my (still unfinished) novel. After reading it he told me that he would be really pissed if I never finished it. Very few people’s opinions matter to me in this world.

His did.

That is one thing I will say that I am officially sorry that I could never make him understand, how much he meant to me. James tended to be disappointed in the world, in people. He told me that most people he had ever trusted had disappointed him. I asked him last month, as we sat over dinner, the night I took him to the airport if he trusted me...

He told me he didn’t trust anyone.

I love you James, as a friend, as a person. I will miss our chats and your thoughts on life, the community, gear, and play.

I thank you for your selfless side you showed me by your creation of my Aquala suit that I hold so dear, and now will even more, as you refused to accept a dime because I did something for you and you needed to repay me.

I thank you for being there for me on the night of Gummidawg's passing, when he was to be there to play with me the next day; even though my attempts to be there for you through Bostoncuir & TiedupUK's passing’s were clunky at best as I had no idea what to say.

I thank you for singlehandedly pulling me out of my shell after my 5 year abusive relationship ended, and painfully pointing out to me the broken parts that I still needed to heal that were dug deep inside me that I didn’t know even existed.

And I thank you for helping me find the Top I am today, though perhaps not up to your standards, It was nice to see your smile of approval at the party when I had a boy on the edge of cracking...

My former master told me many years ago when the first person I cared for died on me, that it was hard for him to get too emotional anymore since he lived through the HIV crisis of the 80's and 90's where his friends were dropping like flies, and he was forced to build a hard shell.

In many ways I understand where he was coming from, but your passing touches me deep and hard, as I really don’t know how to say good-bye.

I guess the easiest way is just to say it...

You will be deeply missed, and I hope some day I can feel in my heart that I have met your standards.

As much as I am sure that Religion's view of things is complete Bullshit, and yes I know you shall agree, if on the off chance that they do have it right, I hope to see you soon.

Save me a place by the fire :)

~Rubberasylum

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