Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A Resolution Upheld

My Fellow Inmates,

After last week's blog I received messages from a few readers letting me know that they were happy to see my blog back. I am not whole heartedly sure I can agree with this point. Looking back on the past year of entries I can say that what came before was a workup unto what is to be...

A practice per say...

I actually consider my first blog to be what was placed this last week, as what came before it was usually an exercise in alternative writings. Whether straight forward, or esoteric, the scribbling on the wall of the Asylum tended to be nothing more than the build up to something greater.

I shall never claim greatness... ever... for the personal belief in ones elevation above others is nothing more than self consciousness ripping at the soul, begging for satiation...

This brings me to Ego....

Ego...

A vicious beast that at times in that past I too have been guilty of... At the point that my soul was intertwined with that of my former Master, Mr. Mitchell, he commanded that I loose weight and tone up...

And that I did, and in spades...

This was a world before the knowledge that the body converted Metabolife in to Speed... I was dropping weight like there was no tomorrow, and I had energy to boot. Looking back, I am sure a Meth addict can claim the same thing... 3 hours of sleep a night, a dinner consisting of one slice of pizza, and then hours of workouts on top of that....

For the first time in my life I could look in the Mirror and actually admit to myself that the reflection looking back was an attractive man...

Yet I was still separated from it, it wasn't me. In my mind I was a fat kid... always had been... that reflection was an image that belonged to someone else... it was fleeting and I knew it... yet I wasn't going to lose the chance to use it up until it was an empty shell....

I was 23, and was at odds with what was to be my place in this world. Torn between instilled morality and desires, I was hard headed... The path ahead was to be a rough one...

Loves lost, friends, lost, lives lost... not by my hand mind you, but as nothing but in innocent bystander, it was what I allowed myself to be... a fleeting image drawn in to the shadows of the bars that I trolled on a nightly basis in a futile search for some satiation of my dire need for justification...

Perhaps it was the drugs in my system, the speed that I didn't even know that I was ingesting at that time....

It opened me up to a reckless world. Not that I was taking anyone home, not even close... I was never one to believe in the whole bar scene... I always felt that the people that swarmed around me in the depths of the anonymous world of sexual tension that hung thick in the air of the gay bars of Seattle were mostly beneath me, people who prayed on those looking for a quickie, a simple orgasm that was in dire contrast to what I yearned for... what I ached for... Hell lets be honest... I would have scarred the shit out of 99% of those guys...

I was young, and hormones Raged... I was flawed, a shattered vessel that didn't know its own stress fractures....

Many a night would find me in a bar, dressed in a catsuit, that complemented the gift of tone that Mr Mitchell gave to me... In the back of my mind I knew that, I took for granted something that every boy of my age wanted: I was 23, and had a master that loved me, I had a stable home situation that was accepting of who I was, even though I was fighting many daemons that were eating me alive, and my master's partner Kevin, accepted me as I was as well, and accepted my intrusion in to his life... they did not need the drama of a young boy, Kevin didn't need the heartache that I dealt out to them while I was breaking walls begrudgingly... Yet they both stood there with open arms... through deep waters... through torrid storms of my psyche...

They loved me... yet at that point I still had no idea what that emotion meant... I was in a relationship with two men... yet I was still not willing to accept the concept of "Gay"

I can bet you can imagine the amazing animosity that this created... Mr Mitchell found a kindred soul inside of me that I could never accept existed... Where as many people would have given up on the fight with a boy that couldn't accept his lot in life, because his desires and reasoning where in a constant state of feudal war... Mr Mitchell and Kevin had faith in me...

To this day I am amazed by this...

I was with them over two years... and even at that point they had such amazing patience for a boy that was basically coming out of his shell at gunpoint. Two years... a few disagreements that's all, and minor at that.... Two years... and only once, in all that time, was there ever a blow up, because on my walls that refused to fall, that included a broken dish or two...two years...

This was ten years ago. Amazing how time flies. Since then Mr Mitchell and Kevin have had other boys.... Mr Mitchell wanted to take me on as a boy again after I shed the five year poison vanilla relationship that I had burdened myself with... I tried, yet I turned him down.

I Love Mitch and Kevin more that they will ever realize, no other people in this world would have taken the time with such a flawed boy... No one other than Kevin would have allowed such an intrusion of some one like me between him and his partner... a project per say of Mitch's... a consciousness, that was torn between the heartache of frustration and the want of equality...

Kevin is amazing. I am not sure I have ever told him that. I have always been worried about what he thought. I know many times he felt on the sidelines. The voyages into the dark corners and the unexplored areas of all the shit I had locked away only allowed one passenger. As hard as it was for him I beleive Kevin knew this, knew how badly I needed Mitch to help me organize and understand the bullshit...

...And to be able to finaly accept what I would never allow myself to, to see who I truly was...

I love Kevin for this. I will never understand why he put up with me. The growth of spirit and psyche that I gained from my time with them... I can never repay, and I can never explain. Yet I would not be there person I am today without them...

Of course life has changed so much over the years. After five years of basically having to take control of every situation from a vanilla boy that gave up on life because his doctor told him he had Hepatitis B. He was dying, that was his line in life. So I took it all on on, addressed it. Basically I became the dominant part of our relationship. After that, as much as the offer from Mr. Mitchell to once again become his boy was so tempting... I sadly realized that I had grown, so much...

...And I would never allow myself that fragile to anyone else ever again... Even to someone that I trust with my life...

Perhaps it was just too soon at that point... I know now I was not fully healed from a situation that was still to come that would force me to face what I had buried... But I still wonder if the offer, and the discussion was all too soon, brushing wounds that still needed some licking...

I have since met WetsuitJay, who has an amazing patience with me. We have been together over a year, and still enjoy each other's company so much. I still have some deamons, and some trust issues, as some wounds heal slowly. But I think this is another aspect of life, the experiance, and I look forward to everyday with him more than the last.

... Who would have ever thought something like this would have found me... Amazing...

I shared in my last blog that in life I was truly submissive. I shall tell you now... You shall never see this part of me unless you become a very intrical part of my life...

I have realized over the years that I get off on others discomfort. Granted this spans such a broad range as all of our concepts of discomfort vary so widely.

I get off mostly on the boys that I can push, and push hard... well past what they previously conceived as their comfort points, yet they allow me... through trust, that their psychological health, since I am fucking with their mental being... is well in my hands, and I shall only take them as far as they can go...

But then again I am just in my early 30's... what the fuck do I know...

I spoke to Rubberrebel Yesterday, and I extended my concerns about this site... about the low traffic and the wonderment upon weather I should be continuing my flow of fluid consciousness only to see it wither away in to the realm of obscurity upon the dissemination of this website in to the neither ether of the black void of websites past, only to be randomly discovered in the webs of archival arachnids....

He assured me, that we as a site are growing. Albeit slow I am sure, amidst the piles of website flaws that flood Rubberrebel faster than the daily timeline allows... So much drives so many away... but like fair weather fans of a hometown sports team, strength shall bring them back. Time is but the only enemy... will they remember? we must hope...

Take care, and what ever you do don't scream too loud, others are trying to sleep

RubberAsylum

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